2019 has honestly been one of the most emotionally taxing years that I’ve lived so far. Last year was bad because of the abuse and trying to get past it, but it felt like it had so many good memories compared to this. January started with my roommate Juan attacking my friend and me. It was a long month, but we made it through. In February I moved back home to live on Brennen’s couch, then HE spazzed out and kicked the entire BAND (just three dudes, but a fuck ton of equipment) to the curb. March and April brought a relapse. May and June brought the deaths of several important people both to cancer and overdose. July brought me quitting the only job I’ve really ever enjoyed, quitting school, and giving up. In August I lost a few more people, but this time they were still alive; they just didn’t want shit to do with me. At the end of August I made an attempt on my life. I got clean, but it wasn’t nearly soon enough to prevent my addiction from directly affecting my family. I became homeless shortly after, and will remain that way until October.

It’s September. I’m alive, but I’m tired.

People keep asking me what my plan is and I really don’t know. I’ve been busting my ass for quite some time, yet I’ve gone completely backwards because I can’t get over some bullshit that happened a year ago. . I used to have a nice job, an apartment, and a bed. Now I’m couch surfing, playing shows, and trying to stay busy so I don’t sleep all day.

These past few years have taken something from me. I dunno what it was, but it was definitely something I needed. I’ve always complained, but the subjects of complaint have become darker with time. Friendships don’t feel as strong. I feel less sensitive to pain, but more aware of the way that people look at me than ever.

Over time I will heal, I’m sure. Right now I’m fighting my way through this mess and doing everything I can to stay afloat.

I just have to keep telling myself
“I am not alone.
I am not alone.
I—“

Special thanks:
Bambi: (the girl, not the deer) you provided me with something that nobody can take away, and that was a muse. I wish we still had the opportunity to hang out. I wish I could say I’ll see you later. I hope everything goes well with school, and with Hope and Ralphie. Give them my love. I’ll see you in Colorado. Maybe next year, maybe in another life. Whichever comes first.
Jamie and Robyn: they’ve hooked me up with some of the best shows I’ve played in my life. In my short time being their friend I’ve been forced out of the more annoying quarters of my comfort zone, and I feel like they wouldn’t do it if they didn’t believe in me in some way. This means the world, and has given me a great deal of opportunities that I appreciate more than anything. Jamie made me leave my apartment so many times when I was just laying around feeling sorry for myself, and I’m hype as shit to put his stickers everywhere. Riding out to the impromptu recording session (it took five hours, but the work she put into it took weeks) Robyn and I did on Holy Water, Sober Thoughts, and An Overactive Imagination was an amazing experience, and I’ve yet to go to one of their house shows without leaving with a unique memory I feel like locking away so nobody can steal.. I usually don’t get around that many people, but they have helped me with my own social issues just by being themselves. That being said...
ALL of Hanover crew: thank you guys for making me feel worth a damn, even if it is for a night at a time. Y’all go hard as hell EVERY show, and the support you give to Chelsea Hates Me (especially when I break strings two songs into the set and start swearing, which has happened twice now but who’s counting?) and every other band is great. Your scene is one of the coolest I’ve been around, so give yourselves a pat on the back.
Tavo Carbone: For performing the most captivating set I’ve ever seen to me while I was sitting cross-legged on the floor hallucinating. You’re my favorite artist, and I will rock your shit forever.
Derrick: for providing a clear voice of reason when I freak out about small shit. I wish we’d have made more videos this year, but we’re working with what time we have.
Keswana: for... Keswana. Both the person and the guitar. Need I say more?
Stephen: You haven’t ditched me, yet. I seriously do appreciate you. You’re the only member of that distant memory that still wants anything to do with me. I wish I could explain why I’m like this, but I really can’t.
Michelle: you’re the bomb.com, biggie. We’ve had our differences, and both of us need to learn to shut up at times, but you’ve been a good friend.
Rebecca (my mom) She’s been putting up with my shit for six years, and tried to help me a lot. We have our differences, but any time I’ve needed her she’s answered the phone.
Eric: Sorry for falling asleep and spilling stuff on your video game, buddy. You ever need anything just let me know. I’m a dick, but I’ll always be here for you. One day I hope that my dedication to you will be worth more than material possession, but I get why it wasn’t then. I’m gonna work on getting through everything alone, but it’d be cooler to have my little brother around still.
Caroline: STILL the best dog in the world. This month without you has been hell, and I’m excited to have you back in October. You can’t read, but I’ll tell you later.
Andre: for showing me Kate Bush


Most importantly, thank you to my main inspiration, Biggie Smalls. Listening to his music keeps me fresh and cool so that all my friends think I’m dope.